Good afternoon! well, I have not blogged in a while and I was really starting to enjoy it. I'm not sure if any of my thoughts or feeling are going to help anyone in this world but I sure do pray that they do. Reason for my break if that's what you want to call it ... I guess it was just the fact that I didn't know what to say. I'm not sure if you can tell on here but I do not know how to tell my feelings very well. Which that brings me to my next point two weeks ago we ( my husband, mother -n-law, Coraline ) went to Atlanta for Coralines eye appt. I really was waiting for Bad news the whole week I was so stressed because I had not seen a lot of change myself when it came to Coraline eye and the cloudiness of it but I was wrong we got great news. Her eye drop (Lotemax) has helped her so much she went from getting it four times a day to now just once a day also her eye pressure was 10 (wow) and Dr Lee could see her pupil starting to show! AWESOME!!! God has done so much in my little Girls life and I give him all the glory! The not so great news about our trip on the way back I had a panic attack I just started to cry and my breathing got really fast and hard and I scared my family so much!! Nikki drove me straight to the hospital and by that time I was passing out and couldn't even walk on my own. Now to tell you the truth at first I didn't want Nikki to tell ANYONE! I thought I was going crazy I was worried what people would say about me!!! we didn't get back home to almost 4am the next day and when I woke up I just didn't understand why that happen to me? I thought I was in control on my life and the stress in it but the truth is I’m not I try to control my life when it's not mine to control .. I spend way to much of my life worried what other people will think of me, my life, my daughter, but most of all everyday I have/had a war going on in my head I put totally "blame" on myself when it comes to Coraline having Peters Anomaly ... everyday I think to myself or I go back and replay my whole pregnancy in my mind to see if I did something wrong? I feel like Coraline's life would be better if I wouldn't be her mother .. or I should say I felt that way. My husband supports me so much he wants to talk to me and wants to show me all the time how much he loves me and I’m so thankful.. but I was so mad at him inside because he knew from day one THAT Coraline life will be amazing and he would tell me thing like " Coraline is going to change so many people.. God is going to take care of Coraline... he gave her the best personality .. she can handle this better than we can .... she is beautiful and not normal but that's why we love her so much" he would say things like this to me everyday and i would just smile because YES! he is right but in the inside of me I felt like this "if nikki would have married someone better his child wouldn’t be going through this???... he would not have to deal with this??? .... his family must think it's all my fault??? .... if I wasn't so sick while i was pregnant ??... if I would have ate more?? .. if I wouldn't have spent the first four months in and out of the hospital .. if .. if... if ..." My life has CHANGED!!!!!! I DONT CARE ABOUT "IF" I DONT'T CARE WHAT YOU ARE YOUR FRIEND THINKS ABOUT ME OR MY LIFE AND MOST OF ALL OF MY DAUGHTER !!!!!!!!!!! GOD HAS MADE ME WHO I AM ... I AM HERE AS CORALINE'S MORTHER FOR A REASON!!!!!! HE LOVES ME . I LOVE ME ... MY FAMILY LOVES ME!!!! I see things so much better now and I put way to much stress on my self instead of just loving and enjoying this wonderful life God has given to me I was trying to find things wrong with it I was allowing the devil to take control of my mind and I’m not going to do that!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a child of God !!!!!! I will look to God to show me the way on my life .. I will ask people for help... and I know now that none of this is my fault I can't blame my self for something I didn’t have control over and I’m not going to anymore
GOD HAS SET ME FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
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